I logged into Twitter today after writing my last post and saw the latest Tweets from my friend Jose Canseco. Apparently, he is renting himself out again.
In 2003 while on house arrest, Canseco offered to spend an afternoon at his South Florida mansion with anyone for $2,500. He offered a poolside barbecue and power hitting lesson among a list of possible activities. It seemed intriguing at the time, but I didn’t have the money, of course. The price just got 60% cheaper, though.
Canseco Tweeted this afternoon:
Who is interested in spending the day with me and seeing what my life is about
He added shortly thereafter that it would be $1,000 a day, with all the money going to charity, and he provided his email address, which I will kindly not repeat here. Granted, for anyone who cares, I’m sure this address has probably been widely distributed around the Internet by now and that as we speak, Canseco is being contacted for exciting work-from-home and Multi-Level Marketing opportunities. Those people always hit me up 12 minutes after I post a resume on Craigslist.
I am still broke and due to start my new job on Monday, eating crock pot soup and waiting to get a haircut in the meantime– seriously, this job can’t start soon enough, I am shaggy. Still, if I had my debts from the past few months repaid and a thousand extra dollars, I might be interested. Here are some things I might like to do with Canseco:
- Bring him to my softball practice. I recently joined a team here in the Bay Area that practices by an expressway. Besides seeing the looks on my teammates’ faces were I to show up with Canseco, I would be curious to see if he could hit that highway. And maybe a little nervous.
- Take him up on the hitting lesson. My batting stance looks a bit like I’m blindfolded and attempting to fend off raccoons. Perhaps the former All Star slugger could help with this.
- Talk to women. Imagine having the ultimate lead-in, “Hey, have you met my friend Jose Canseco?” Since I was paying $1,000, we would have some nice things about me scripted out ahead of time.
- Discuss my idea for the fight I think Canseco should focus on. For all this talk of him wanting to fight Herschel Walker, I think a more even foe would be Mike Tyson. Give me an afternoon and I think I could talk Canseco into this.
- Record a rap single with him. For the rest of my life whenever I was at a social function and there was a lull in the conversation, I could say, “Hey, would you like to hear the rap song I recorded with Jose Canseco?” Everyone would be talking! Since Canseco is socially conscious now, perhaps this could be a rap about the dangers of steroid abuse.
I wonder what Barry Bonds would charge. Perhaps for $40, he comes to your house, punches you in the face and then angrily shouts he never did steroids. It would still be more than that time Pete Rose sold kisses for a dollar or in 1924 when Ty Cobb offered to beat up any man in the state of Alabama for $12 plus expenses. Okay, those last two things never happened, but you get the idea.
Postscript: Canseco has some ideas for the day, too. He Tweeted on March 8 that options include bowling, working out, MMA-style sparring or playing any other sport. He added,
Well also maybe bredak the law and get arrested
You cannot make this up.